The Things I’ll Never Achieve

I’ve always said that if I won’t the lottery I’d pursue stand-up comedy.

Why? You’re not bloody funny! I hear you say.

Well, be that as it may, I like making people laugh when I actually make it happen, I like the sound of my own voice (anyone who says they don’t is a liar) and  I watch comedians and I am in awe of them. The real point here is that I said I’d do it if I won the lottery…which is not likely to happen.

Maybe that’s my way of putting it off, then?

I’ve played in gigging bands since I was 14; it requires that you have the ability and means to travel and requires you to eat a lot of shit in order to impress even a handful of unimportant people, which, with a very small margin of chance, could lead you to being exposed to much wider audiences, who even then may not accept you.

I imagine the same is true of pursuing stand-up comedy, but I have neither the time or the resources with my current outgoings to pursue it, so I put it off.

The wider trouble is that stand-up comedy is just one example in a long list of things that I don’t pursue properly (or at all) because I don’t have the time. For instance, I’d to become talented enough at using photoshop to be an art designer for things like album covers and posters. I’d like to learn to play the piano. I’d like to develop my own, unique style of drawing cartoons. I’d like to write a relevant, important album of guitar-led music.

Then there’s the life experiences that everyone wants, or that some of us have already achieved. I’d like to get marrried and have children. I’d like to get really fit and have Dolph Ziggler’s body. I’d like to develop the house I own and eventually move to a nicer area (there’s nothing wrong with where I live, but there are some lovely corners of Derbyshire I’d love to live in more). I’d like to visit Madagascar and see some wacky animals. I’d like to go the the Carribean and drink cocktails.

I’m just spread so thin that I don’t have the time to learn these skills, or I don’t have the means to delve into the worlds in which these things fit.

It’s rather sad, isn’t it?

The silver lining is that I’ve managed to convince someone to love me and share a home with me. No matter how many adventures you have in Thailand in your gap year, it can’t compare to coming home after a shit day to someone that makes your blood run warm and your nervous system reset and relax. Yes I’d like to draw well, but I already play guitar well. I’d like to be a stand-up comedian, but the class of children I teach already applaud me at least once a week, and they laugh at most things I say.

I suppose that just having aspirations is a gift, and never giving up dreaming is an achievement. Asking myself, are you happy? is all I need to do.

The answer is yes, so I suppose all of that other stuff will happen if it’s meant to.


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